double standards
Sarah and her brother
Patricia and her siblings
Raziah
Growing up, were you ever treated differently than your brothers, simply because you were a girl? How was that gender dynamic like in your households?
Sarah
Yes, is the short answer. My parents definitely treated my brother and me differently in terms of what we were allowed to do. There’s also the added factor that I’m the oldest, and so I felt a greater sense of expectations and responsibility placed on me. But in terms of difference in treatment due to gender, my parents are much more protective over me than they are with my brother. Although they aren’t super strict, I was’'t allowed to do certain things and I still felt my parents were more lenient with my brother.
Was there a clear difference in treatment from your parents amongst your siblings too?
Patricia
I can see what you’re saying, Sarah, about the roles of an eldest and youngest child. So I’m the middle child in my family; I have a brother who’s three years older than me and a younger sister who’s 12. As a middle child, I see that I'm a little bit more independent compared to my siblings. My sister received a lot of love as the baby in the family and so did my brother as the first child and son. With that being said, because I'm the oldest female, my mom expects me to take care of my sister and brother even though he’s three years older than me. There were several times in high school and college when she told me to make food for him since he doesn’t take care of himself well and he’s busy. I didn’t think this was fair because he should be able to take care of himself as a grown man. I don’t think she’s ever told him to do the same for me. Recently, she’s been making the comment that the roles are reversed in this household every time my brother would do the dishes. It’s a bit discouraging when she says this because I do the same amount of housework as my brother, but because I’m a woman it seems like I’m not doing enough.
I also experienced some double standards like you, Sarah. My parents were strict in terms of curfew. Although it was earlier in junior high, for the longest time my curfew was 12 AM, and even now it is, while my brother was allowed to come home anytime. I also wasn’t allowed to sleep over my friend’s house and was sometimes restricted from hanging out with certain people.
Sarah
What was the reason for no sleepovers? For me initially my mom was a bit strict on that as well, especially when I was younger if she didn’t know my friends’ parents or had never talked to them beforehand. But she would let me go if she was able to speak to their moms and make sure they were on the same page.
Patricia
I think for me it was because a lot of my friends had brothers. So if there were any men in the house that I wanted to sleep over at, my mom would say, “No, you can’t trust them.”
Raziah
My mom used to say that too.
Patricia
It was a little frustrating. I mean those brothers were probably less than 16 years old? So I don’t think they would have an inappropriate mindset. But I understand why my parents were extra cautious since I know I wouldn’t be able to protect myself if I was in a dangerous situation. What about you, Raziah?
Growing up, were you ever treated differently than your brothers, simply because you were a girl? How was that gender dynamic like in your households?
Sarah
Yes, is the short answer. My parents definitely treated my brother and me differently in terms of what we were allowed to do. There’s also the added factor that I’m the oldest, and so I felt a greater sense of expectations and responsibility placed on me. But in terms of difference in treatment due to gender, my parents are much more protective over me than they are with my brother. Although they aren’t super strict, I was’'t allowed to do certain things and I still felt my parents were more lenient with my brother.
Was there a clear difference in treatment from your parents amongst your siblings too?
Patricia
I can see what you’re saying, Sarah, about the roles of an eldest and youngest child. So I’m the middle child in my family; I have a brother who’s three years older than me and a younger sister who’s 12. As a middle child, I see that I'm a little bit more independent compared to my siblings. My sister received a lot of love as the baby in the family and so did my brother as the first child and son. With that being said, because I'm the oldest female, my mom expects me to take care of my sister and brother even though he’s three years older than me. There were several times in high school and college when she told me to make food for him since he doesn’t take care of himself well and he’s busy. I didn’t think this was fair because he should be able to take care of himself as a grown man. I don’t think she’s ever told him to do the same for me. Recently, she’s been making the comment that the roles are reversed in this household every time my brother would do the dishes. It’s a bit discouraging when she says this because I do the same amount of housework as my brother, but because I’m a woman it seems like I’m not doing enough.
I also experienced some double standards like you, Sarah. My parents were strict in terms of curfew. Although it was earlier in junior high, for the longest time my curfew was 12 AM, and even now it is, while my brother was allowed to come home anytime. I also wasn’t allowed to sleep over my friend’s house and was sometimes restricted from hanging out with certain people.
Sarah
What was the reason for no sleepovers? For me initially my mom was a bit strict on that as well, especially when I was younger if she didn’t know my friends’ parents or had never talked to them beforehand. But she would let me go if she was able to speak to their moms and make sure they were on the same page.
Patricia
I think for me it was because a lot of my friends had brothers. So if there were any men in the house that I wanted to sleep over at, my mom would say, “No, you can’t trust them.”
Raziah
My mom used to say that too.
Patricia
It was a little frustrating. I mean those brothers were probably less than 16 years old? So I don’t think they would have an inappropriate mindset. But I understand why my parents were extra cautious since I know I wouldn’t be able to protect myself if I was in a dangerous situation. What about you, Raziah?
Household chores
Basic chores that all should know, but were mostly enforced upon the girls in Raziah’s household
Basic chores that all should know, but were mostly enforced upon the girls in Raziah’s household
Raziah
My household is a little bit more traditional than what you both described. I have two brothers and two sisters. And my mom is a stay-at-home mom—she’s never had a formal job before. My family dynamic is one where my dad works and my mom maintains the household. So that translated into the values that my mom taught my sisters and me. We have to do almost all the household chores: cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing dishes. My brothers aren’t really involved in that sense. Maybe they’ll take out the trash once in a while, but no real chores.
Sarah
Oh wow. It’s interesting that chores and roles are so clearly divided—all the women do the housework in the family, and the men just sit around. For me, I’d say my mom is definitely in charge of housework, since she works part-time, whereas my dad is at work all day. She does delegate chores to my brother and me, like collecting the garbage or helping set and pick up the table for meals. It’s not so much men against women, although there are some times where my mom does expect a little more out of me in terms of helping around the house.
Raziah
I wouldn’t call my family dynamic equally divided in any sense. It’s a little sad to me though, because I feel that my brothers don’t know how to do anything. I know that sounds harsh, but they just really don’t know much of the basics. My sisters and I always tell my mom that she should make them do things so they can learn too. But when my brothers do any chores, they are just so slow. For example, they will take so long to wash the dishes, that I end up being frustrated and say “Just let me do it”. Then we’re back to square one again.
But if they decide to wash their own dishes, they get praised so much. While my sisters and I will do so much more, and not get praised because it’s just expected of us.
Patricia
I can relate to that so much. Whenever my brother does the dishes my mom is always like, “Aww thank you. You’re such a good son.” But when I do it, she just says thank you, and sometimes forgets about it. There have been a few times when she’s asked me, “When did you ever wash the dishes? Do you even know how to make rice?” And I’m like, “Mom, I’ve been doing this since elementary school.”
Raziah
It’s the same thing with my family. It’s a requirement for the girls to help around the house, but for the guys it’s considered voluntary, and so whenever they do, my mom thinks more highly of their actions.
Patricia
It’s unfair how there’s a difference in treatment, but I'm not sure what I can do about it.
My household is a little bit more traditional than what you both described. I have two brothers and two sisters. And my mom is a stay-at-home mom—she’s never had a formal job before. My family dynamic is one where my dad works and my mom maintains the household. So that translated into the values that my mom taught my sisters and me. We have to do almost all the household chores: cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing dishes. My brothers aren’t really involved in that sense. Maybe they’ll take out the trash once in a while, but no real chores.
Sarah
Oh wow. It’s interesting that chores and roles are so clearly divided—all the women do the housework in the family, and the men just sit around. For me, I’d say my mom is definitely in charge of housework, since she works part-time, whereas my dad is at work all day. She does delegate chores to my brother and me, like collecting the garbage or helping set and pick up the table for meals. It’s not so much men against women, although there are some times where my mom does expect a little more out of me in terms of helping around the house.
Raziah
I wouldn’t call my family dynamic equally divided in any sense. It’s a little sad to me though, because I feel that my brothers don’t know how to do anything. I know that sounds harsh, but they just really don’t know much of the basics. My sisters and I always tell my mom that she should make them do things so they can learn too. But when my brothers do any chores, they are just so slow. For example, they will take so long to wash the dishes, that I end up being frustrated and say “Just let me do it”. Then we’re back to square one again.
But if they decide to wash their own dishes, they get praised so much. While my sisters and I will do so much more, and not get praised because it’s just expected of us.
Patricia
I can relate to that so much. Whenever my brother does the dishes my mom is always like, “Aww thank you. You’re such a good son.” But when I do it, she just says thank you, and sometimes forgets about it. There have been a few times when she’s asked me, “When did you ever wash the dishes? Do you even know how to make rice?” And I’m like, “Mom, I’ve been doing this since elementary school.”
Raziah
It’s the same thing with my family. It’s a requirement for the girls to help around the house, but for the guys it’s considered voluntary, and so whenever they do, my mom thinks more highly of their actions.
Patricia
It’s unfair how there’s a difference in treatment, but I'm not sure what I can do about it.
“I do the same amount of housework as my brother, but because I’m a woman it seems like I’m not doing enough.”
The cover of a worn out recipe book that Raziah's mother used
Raziah
I know it sounds a little extreme, but I’m also so used to it now. There’s a lot of different ways in which I feel that because I was born a female, I just have to adapt to certain roles that are going to be placed on me.
Sarah
I get that. There are definitely times where I feel like it’s just easier to put your head down and do what’s asked of you even if it is conforming to the gender stereotypes.
Raziah
Lately, because everyone's been in quarantine, that means my dad is home 24/7 and I'm noticing how much it's affecting my mom. She's actually had a couple breakdowns because she’s been so frustrated with my dad not being able to do much by himself, even though technically he can. He just doesn’t because that’s how it’s been in my house for so long. I sympathize a lot with my mom, but I also feel like she let this happen. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality of our home right now.
Sarah
I’ve noticed that with my own family too. My mom is consistently the one cooking and cleaning and keeping the house in order. And my dad goes to work, comes home, and is in relax mode, whereas my mom’s work never really ends.
Raziah
Exactly, their work really never ends. And it’s intense! For example, everyday my mom will have breakfast with my dad. Even before quarantine, when he would wake up around 4 AM to go to work everyday. I don’t think she’s missed many days.
And I feel my mom’s pain sometimes. Over winter break, she went to Pakistan for family stuff, and my sisters were away too. So I had to be the one to take care of the house, which meant cooking and cleaning everyday. And at one point, I just had a breakdown. I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t ask for this, you know? And everyone was really sympathetic, but at the end of the day, they don’t know how to cook or clean so they couldn’t really help me. It made me so sad. Even if this is my mom’s way of life, why does it have to be imposed on me? But at the same time, I don’t think she chose this life either. But it’s hard, because I still wanted to blame her.
Sarah
That must’ve been really hard going through that because you're essentially taking on the role of a parent at such a young age. I can’t imagine that because my family dynamic is so different. If my mom was away, my dad would be in charge, although my mom does make sure she’s stocked up food in the freezer for us to eat.
Raziah
That wouldn’t really happen in my family. If our family is going somewhere, and there’s at least one male that’s staying behind, then we have to coordinate so that one girl has to be home too. Because otherwise, I doubt the guys could really do much. Over winter break, I couldn’t go on any overnight trips because I was the only girl left at home, and so all the guys in the family were my responsibility.
Patricia
Wow, I would be so disappointed if I had to stay home for that reason.
In comparison to your family, I would say the men in mine have to contribute to the housework a decent amount. Although my mom does most of the cooking, especially during this pandemic, both my parents work so my dad has to help around the house and sometimes make food for the kids. But when my dad works a lot and she doesn’t do much housework, he does get a little upset because he feels like that’s her job as a mother and there’s an unbalance in effort. But from my perspective as their child, they’re putting in equal amounts of work and interestingly, filling both the role of a mother and father. Overall though, I’d say everyone in my family is very independent. So we don’t necessarily need to go out of our way to take care of each other. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m being asked a lot when my mom tells me to take care of my brother, because in my eyes I'm already busy looking out for myself. I know this is selfish though and hearing about your family, Raziah, I don’t have it that hard.
I know it sounds a little extreme, but I’m also so used to it now. There’s a lot of different ways in which I feel that because I was born a female, I just have to adapt to certain roles that are going to be placed on me.
Sarah
I get that. There are definitely times where I feel like it’s just easier to put your head down and do what’s asked of you even if it is conforming to the gender stereotypes.
Raziah
Lately, because everyone's been in quarantine, that means my dad is home 24/7 and I'm noticing how much it's affecting my mom. She's actually had a couple breakdowns because she’s been so frustrated with my dad not being able to do much by himself, even though technically he can. He just doesn’t because that’s how it’s been in my house for so long. I sympathize a lot with my mom, but I also feel like she let this happen. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality of our home right now.
Sarah
I’ve noticed that with my own family too. My mom is consistently the one cooking and cleaning and keeping the house in order. And my dad goes to work, comes home, and is in relax mode, whereas my mom’s work never really ends.
Raziah
Exactly, their work really never ends. And it’s intense! For example, everyday my mom will have breakfast with my dad. Even before quarantine, when he would wake up around 4 AM to go to work everyday. I don’t think she’s missed many days.
And I feel my mom’s pain sometimes. Over winter break, she went to Pakistan for family stuff, and my sisters were away too. So I had to be the one to take care of the house, which meant cooking and cleaning everyday. And at one point, I just had a breakdown. I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t ask for this, you know? And everyone was really sympathetic, but at the end of the day, they don’t know how to cook or clean so they couldn’t really help me. It made me so sad. Even if this is my mom’s way of life, why does it have to be imposed on me? But at the same time, I don’t think she chose this life either. But it’s hard, because I still wanted to blame her.
Sarah
That must’ve been really hard going through that because you're essentially taking on the role of a parent at such a young age. I can’t imagine that because my family dynamic is so different. If my mom was away, my dad would be in charge, although my mom does make sure she’s stocked up food in the freezer for us to eat.
Raziah
That wouldn’t really happen in my family. If our family is going somewhere, and there’s at least one male that’s staying behind, then we have to coordinate so that one girl has to be home too. Because otherwise, I doubt the guys could really do much. Over winter break, I couldn’t go on any overnight trips because I was the only girl left at home, and so all the guys in the family were my responsibility.
Patricia
Wow, I would be so disappointed if I had to stay home for that reason.
In comparison to your family, I would say the men in mine have to contribute to the housework a decent amount. Although my mom does most of the cooking, especially during this pandemic, both my parents work so my dad has to help around the house and sometimes make food for the kids. But when my dad works a lot and she doesn’t do much housework, he does get a little upset because he feels like that’s her job as a mother and there’s an unbalance in effort. But from my perspective as their child, they’re putting in equal amounts of work and interestingly, filling both the role of a mother and father. Overall though, I’d say everyone in my family is very independent. So we don’t necessarily need to go out of our way to take care of each other. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m being asked a lot when my mom tells me to take care of my brother, because in my eyes I'm already busy looking out for myself. I know this is selfish though and hearing about your family, Raziah, I don’t have it that hard.
Raziah
I still think that’s a hard situation for you too though. And honestly, if I wasn’t born into this, I don't think I could actually live this way. I’m more used to this level of intensity now.
Patricia
That makes sense. I thought it was also interesting when you mentioned that your mom kind of brought this upon herself, but what do you think she could have done differently?
Raziah
Maybe tell my dad to do his own things. Somehow start establishing that boundary. And here’s the thing, I recognize the situation that my mom was in. This was how she grew up in Pakistan too. After marrying my dad she had to live with her mother and father in-law, so there was an expectation to maintain that tradition. But sometimes I just feel like my dad would actually listen and do it, if she told him to. But it’s hard to know how long that would have lasted anyways. And my mom always says that my dad is actually really nice about these things, and that other people are much harsher. My dad at least understands and sympathizes, even if he doesn’t do much. But I just wish my mom would have tried to push on that more.
Sarah
Maybe she does want to or she doesn’t know how to go about it. Or maybe she feels it’s too late to change things and it isn’t worth bringing up.
Raziah
Even with knowing that, I still can’t help but feel this way. It just feels unfair, because even if she is choosing to accept this role, she shouldn’t impose it on us. There’s nothing really that’s keeping her bound to living this way. It’s not religion, and it’s not even my grandparents anymore. Even the culture is changing now. But she’s still just holding onto this mindset.
Patricia
Maybe it’s because that's the only way of life she knows how to live. In other words, she doesn’t know how to live any other way because she hasn’t actually experienced it.
Raziah
I’ve thought about that too. But I feel like that’s assuming my mom has no ability to change or adapt. And I don’t think that’s the case at all. I think she personally thinks there is virtue in that mindset, and that’s why she’s maybe holding on to it. It’s kind of tied up to her identity and self-worth now.
I still think that’s a hard situation for you too though. And honestly, if I wasn’t born into this, I don't think I could actually live this way. I’m more used to this level of intensity now.
Patricia
That makes sense. I thought it was also interesting when you mentioned that your mom kind of brought this upon herself, but what do you think she could have done differently?
Raziah
Maybe tell my dad to do his own things. Somehow start establishing that boundary. And here’s the thing, I recognize the situation that my mom was in. This was how she grew up in Pakistan too. After marrying my dad she had to live with her mother and father in-law, so there was an expectation to maintain that tradition. But sometimes I just feel like my dad would actually listen and do it, if she told him to. But it’s hard to know how long that would have lasted anyways. And my mom always says that my dad is actually really nice about these things, and that other people are much harsher. My dad at least understands and sympathizes, even if he doesn’t do much. But I just wish my mom would have tried to push on that more.
Sarah
Maybe she does want to or she doesn’t know how to go about it. Or maybe she feels it’s too late to change things and it isn’t worth bringing up.
Raziah
Even with knowing that, I still can’t help but feel this way. It just feels unfair, because even if she is choosing to accept this role, she shouldn’t impose it on us. There’s nothing really that’s keeping her bound to living this way. It’s not religion, and it’s not even my grandparents anymore. Even the culture is changing now. But she’s still just holding onto this mindset.
Patricia
Maybe it’s because that's the only way of life she knows how to live. In other words, she doesn’t know how to live any other way because she hasn’t actually experienced it.
Raziah
I’ve thought about that too. But I feel like that’s assuming my mom has no ability to change or adapt. And I don’t think that’s the case at all. I think she personally thinks there is virtue in that mindset, and that’s why she’s maybe holding on to it. It’s kind of tied up to her identity and self-worth now.
“There are definitely times where I feel like it’s just easier to put your head down and do what’s asked of you even if it is conforming to the gender stereotypes.”
family dynamics
Sarah
Do you think your family dynamic has affected your personality and your identity as a woman? Do you think your role as a woman in your family has crossed over into your relationships outside of the home?
Raziah
I think they go hand in hand for me. I’m a very independent person, and that probably stems from the fact that my mom taught me to be self sufficient and “grow up” at an early age. Also her teaching my sisters and me to do all these things for the family has made me into a caregiver type too. I’m always the “mom friend”, or the one who is able to take care of others.
Patricia
I see that quality in myself too. I naturally find myself taking care of other people and wanting to do things for them. But I think when it reaches a certain point where I feel like I’m not being taken care of, I do take it too harshly or personally. I think this is because growing up I had to be very independent. I became an older sister when I was in fourth grade and had the responsibility to take care of her whenever my parents were at work. It even got to the point where my mom’s friends started to call me her second mom. Ever since then, I matured quickly without much attention from my parents. So when they weren’t able to pay for most of my schooling, for example, it felt natural for me to support myself financially. But at a certain point because I was used to being independent, I couldn’t really talk about my worries or problems with my parents even though I’m a relatively open person. But I understand that they have a lot on their plate and I have learned a lot from being independent. It’s just that sometimes it’s tiring to have to do things on my own. I think that’s why I invest more time in my relationships with my friends or significant other because I want to have people I can depend on outside of my family and also be someone who they can rely on.
Raziah
I understood you on such a deep level as you said that.
Sarah
That’s hard. I can relate to you both too about being the one that cares a lot for others. I often find that I’m the one that cares more in a friendship. I’m not sure where that stems from exactly, but in my family I care about maintaining close relationships to them especially since I moved away for college. Maybe that’s me seeking more affection and closeness than I had growing up, or just realizing the importance of family.
But my experience with gender stereotypes is a little different because my family dynamic didn’t enforce them as much, and I feel it’s been reflected in my personality. My family likes to joke around a little bit more and we tend to call each other out for not helping with things. I think that has translated into my friendships to a certain degree and I’m able to stand up for myself especially if I’m comfortable with them.
Patricia
It's good that you’re able to stand up for yourself! In the case when you do call out your family members, do they all accept it well and listen to what you're saying?
Sarah
It depends on the situation. Most of the time when I call them out, it’s in a funny, playful, or sarcastic way. So I think the added humor makes it easier to hear. Maybe next time they’ll help out with things or maybe they won't but at least they got called out.
Patricia
That’s a good way to solve problems. I think it’s important for family members to understand each other’s humor and learn to listen to one another like your family does. What you said made me think about my family dynamic and how different it is from yours. I feel like my mom protects my brother a lot, but she doesn't see that. If I were to tell him, “Are you sure you think that’s right?” or “I don’t agree with that” even while I'm smiling or joking around, my mom would tell me not to say that to him. I know that sometimes this happens because she’s not fluent in English or she doesn’t understand that I’m joking. But overall, she does easily take offense to what I’m saying because in her eyes I’m not being supportive of my brother.
Do you think your family dynamic has affected your personality and your identity as a woman? Do you think your role as a woman in your family has crossed over into your relationships outside of the home?
Raziah
I think they go hand in hand for me. I’m a very independent person, and that probably stems from the fact that my mom taught me to be self sufficient and “grow up” at an early age. Also her teaching my sisters and me to do all these things for the family has made me into a caregiver type too. I’m always the “mom friend”, or the one who is able to take care of others.
Patricia
I see that quality in myself too. I naturally find myself taking care of other people and wanting to do things for them. But I think when it reaches a certain point where I feel like I’m not being taken care of, I do take it too harshly or personally. I think this is because growing up I had to be very independent. I became an older sister when I was in fourth grade and had the responsibility to take care of her whenever my parents were at work. It even got to the point where my mom’s friends started to call me her second mom. Ever since then, I matured quickly without much attention from my parents. So when they weren’t able to pay for most of my schooling, for example, it felt natural for me to support myself financially. But at a certain point because I was used to being independent, I couldn’t really talk about my worries or problems with my parents even though I’m a relatively open person. But I understand that they have a lot on their plate and I have learned a lot from being independent. It’s just that sometimes it’s tiring to have to do things on my own. I think that’s why I invest more time in my relationships with my friends or significant other because I want to have people I can depend on outside of my family and also be someone who they can rely on.
Raziah
I understood you on such a deep level as you said that.
Sarah
That’s hard. I can relate to you both too about being the one that cares a lot for others. I often find that I’m the one that cares more in a friendship. I’m not sure where that stems from exactly, but in my family I care about maintaining close relationships to them especially since I moved away for college. Maybe that’s me seeking more affection and closeness than I had growing up, or just realizing the importance of family.
But my experience with gender stereotypes is a little different because my family dynamic didn’t enforce them as much, and I feel it’s been reflected in my personality. My family likes to joke around a little bit more and we tend to call each other out for not helping with things. I think that has translated into my friendships to a certain degree and I’m able to stand up for myself especially if I’m comfortable with them.
Patricia
It's good that you’re able to stand up for yourself! In the case when you do call out your family members, do they all accept it well and listen to what you're saying?
Sarah
It depends on the situation. Most of the time when I call them out, it’s in a funny, playful, or sarcastic way. So I think the added humor makes it easier to hear. Maybe next time they’ll help out with things or maybe they won't but at least they got called out.
Patricia
That’s a good way to solve problems. I think it’s important for family members to understand each other’s humor and learn to listen to one another like your family does. What you said made me think about my family dynamic and how different it is from yours. I feel like my mom protects my brother a lot, but she doesn't see that. If I were to tell him, “Are you sure you think that’s right?” or “I don’t agree with that” even while I'm smiling or joking around, my mom would tell me not to say that to him. I know that sometimes this happens because she’s not fluent in English or she doesn’t understand that I’m joking. But overall, she does easily take offense to what I’m saying because in her eyes I’m not being supportive of my brother.
Patricia and her dad
Raziah
Is there an emphasis on children being born male in Korean culture? Or, is having a male child more highly regarded than having a female child in any sense?
Patricia
If you have a son as your first child, it’s considered an accomplishment because you have a child to carry the family name and protect the household. But that’s a very traditional mindset. I don’t know if my mom thinks that way. I do wish to have a tighter relationship with my mom, but sometimes it’s not so bad because my dad shows me affection more often than he does to my brother. It’s not that he doesn’t equally love my brother, obviously, but my dad told me it’s because he sees himself in me and can easily converse with me.
Raziah
It’s so interesting how we obviously want love from both of our parents, but as girls we want it especially from our moms. And sometimes I wonder why my mom is being so harsh on me.
Sarah
I feel like my dad and I also have similar personalities and it’s easy to have conversations. Not that it isn’t with my mom, it’s just different. But with moms in general there’s more of a battle to feel their true love and acceptance because of their expectations and high hopes for you.
Raziah
They tend to have these extra expectations of what a woman should be versus what a man should be. So they’re just going to be so nitpicky, because they’re more invested in that sense. Even one small mistake, in my mom’s eyes, it’s just setting you up for failure. And when I say success and failure, I’m talking strictly regarding marriage, because that’s my mom’s only level of success.
Patricia
Wow, her definition of success is very limited.
Sarah
Yeah, it’s boiling down a woman’s worth to knowing how to cook and clean and support somebody else.
Raziah
And to be fair, it’s nice on one hand. I’m really glad that I was able to learn all of the things I did. But when it becomes my obligation, that’s when I’m like, “No thanks.”
Sarah
It would feel different too if it wasn’t just girls that had these expectations on them. If parents treated both their sons and daughters the same way, with the same expectations—learning how to cook, clean, and be self sufficient—I think the connotation behind these skills wouldn’t feel so strongly gender stereotyped. Maybe it wouldn’t feel as much of an obligation out of the sole fact that you’re a woman and instead that these are necessary skills to be a self-sufficient person.
Is there an emphasis on children being born male in Korean culture? Or, is having a male child more highly regarded than having a female child in any sense?
Patricia
If you have a son as your first child, it’s considered an accomplishment because you have a child to carry the family name and protect the household. But that’s a very traditional mindset. I don’t know if my mom thinks that way. I do wish to have a tighter relationship with my mom, but sometimes it’s not so bad because my dad shows me affection more often than he does to my brother. It’s not that he doesn’t equally love my brother, obviously, but my dad told me it’s because he sees himself in me and can easily converse with me.
Raziah
It’s so interesting how we obviously want love from both of our parents, but as girls we want it especially from our moms. And sometimes I wonder why my mom is being so harsh on me.
Sarah
I feel like my dad and I also have similar personalities and it’s easy to have conversations. Not that it isn’t with my mom, it’s just different. But with moms in general there’s more of a battle to feel their true love and acceptance because of their expectations and high hopes for you.
Raziah
They tend to have these extra expectations of what a woman should be versus what a man should be. So they’re just going to be so nitpicky, because they’re more invested in that sense. Even one small mistake, in my mom’s eyes, it’s just setting you up for failure. And when I say success and failure, I’m talking strictly regarding marriage, because that’s my mom’s only level of success.
Patricia
Wow, her definition of success is very limited.
Sarah
Yeah, it’s boiling down a woman’s worth to knowing how to cook and clean and support somebody else.
Raziah
And to be fair, it’s nice on one hand. I’m really glad that I was able to learn all of the things I did. But when it becomes my obligation, that’s when I’m like, “No thanks.”
Sarah
It would feel different too if it wasn’t just girls that had these expectations on them. If parents treated both their sons and daughters the same way, with the same expectations—learning how to cook, clean, and be self sufficient—I think the connotation behind these skills wouldn’t feel so strongly gender stereotyped. Maybe it wouldn’t feel as much of an obligation out of the sole fact that you’re a woman and instead that these are necessary skills to be a self-sufficient person.
“We obviously want love from both of our parents, but as girls we want it especially from our moms.”
femininity
Sarah and her brother playing with toys
Patricia playing dress up
Raziah
Growing up would you say that you were more feminine?
Sarah
I was definitely more of a girly girl when I was younger. I loved the color pink which is very stereotypical. I liked playing dress up, watching princess movies, and playing with Barbies. Oh my god I remember, my brother and I had a kitchen play set that I loved playing with too. Which is so funny, thinking back now after we've had this conversation and realizing how the toys I played with aligned so much with gender stereotypes and roles.
Patricia
Same, I dressed up as a girly girl too, but I also loved to do active things like going into the woods, playing with bebe guns, biking, and other stuff. So I guess I wasn’t stereotypically feminine in that way.
Raziah
I'm in the same boat as you Patricia. I always loved being really active, but I also loved playing with Barbies. I think in terms of appearance though, I didn’t really have an opinion. I would just let my mom put me in whatever she wanted. But I remember this one time, one of my cousins put red nail polish on me. And I hated it so much, I think I cried for around an hour or something. That’s the only stereotypically female thing, in terms of appearance, that I can remember that I actively rejected.
Patricia
Do you reject it now?
Raziah
Kind of! I don’t like wearing nail polish. I just don’t really like the way it looks on my hands. But it’s actually not a big deal to me anymore, I won’t cry if I have nail polish on now.
Sarah
I liked being active too when I was younger and I played sports in school too. I think it’s funny how we associate being active with being less than feminine. I think the connotation around being “active” is stereotypically more descriptive of boys than girls. Even though I don’t think it should be any more.
Raziah
Yeah, I used to play soccer with my brother growing up, and it was never a thing my mom prevented me from doing. But as a middle child, I think I also got away with a lot of things. It was only once I was a bit older, that a lot of these gender expectations started to be placed on me.
Growing up would you say that you were more feminine?
Sarah
I was definitely more of a girly girl when I was younger. I loved the color pink which is very stereotypical. I liked playing dress up, watching princess movies, and playing with Barbies. Oh my god I remember, my brother and I had a kitchen play set that I loved playing with too. Which is so funny, thinking back now after we've had this conversation and realizing how the toys I played with aligned so much with gender stereotypes and roles.
Patricia
Same, I dressed up as a girly girl too, but I also loved to do active things like going into the woods, playing with bebe guns, biking, and other stuff. So I guess I wasn’t stereotypically feminine in that way.
Raziah
I'm in the same boat as you Patricia. I always loved being really active, but I also loved playing with Barbies. I think in terms of appearance though, I didn’t really have an opinion. I would just let my mom put me in whatever she wanted. But I remember this one time, one of my cousins put red nail polish on me. And I hated it so much, I think I cried for around an hour or something. That’s the only stereotypically female thing, in terms of appearance, that I can remember that I actively rejected.
Patricia
Do you reject it now?
Raziah
Kind of! I don’t like wearing nail polish. I just don’t really like the way it looks on my hands. But it’s actually not a big deal to me anymore, I won’t cry if I have nail polish on now.
Sarah
I liked being active too when I was younger and I played sports in school too. I think it’s funny how we associate being active with being less than feminine. I think the connotation around being “active” is stereotypically more descriptive of boys than girls. Even though I don’t think it should be any more.
Raziah
Yeah, I used to play soccer with my brother growing up, and it was never a thing my mom prevented me from doing. But as a middle child, I think I also got away with a lot of things. It was only once I was a bit older, that a lot of these gender expectations started to be placed on me.
burden of being a woman
Raziah
Did you ever wish that you weren’t born a woman?
Sarah
I don’t think I’ve outright thought that, but I’ve felt the burden of dealing with family as well as societal pressures. There are so many stereotypes placed upon women, where parts of society tell you how you should act, dress, and even how your body should look as a woman. Whereas compared to men, I don’t feel like there are as many expectations as long they are out doing “what a man should” and making money.
Patricia
Well I guess there is a stereotype or an expectation for men to be like six feet or have broad shoulders. So I think there are some, but there's a lot more for women.
Sarah
Definitely, and I don’t want to undermine the struggles that men face, but I think those expectations for men are forgiven a little bit more. If they're out there working a full time job and making money then it seems okay if they’re slacking in some departments.
Did you ever wish that you weren’t born a woman?
Sarah
I don’t think I’ve outright thought that, but I’ve felt the burden of dealing with family as well as societal pressures. There are so many stereotypes placed upon women, where parts of society tell you how you should act, dress, and even how your body should look as a woman. Whereas compared to men, I don’t feel like there are as many expectations as long they are out doing “what a man should” and making money.
Patricia
Well I guess there is a stereotype or an expectation for men to be like six feet or have broad shoulders. So I think there are some, but there's a lot more for women.
Sarah
Definitely, and I don’t want to undermine the struggles that men face, but I think those expectations for men are forgiven a little bit more. If they're out there working a full time job and making money then it seems okay if they’re slacking in some departments.
Sensitive
Having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings; thoughtful; empathetic. While society defines it as displaying too much emotion, overreacting.
Having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings; thoughtful; empathetic. While society defines it as displaying too much emotion, overreacting.
Patricia
That’s true. Also, these are probably stereotypes, but from my experience, I found that most men are more simple minded and less sensitive than women. At least I’m more sensitive than a lot of my male friends. Sometimes when I think about and analyze something for a while, I wonder, if I was a man, would I even have these thoughts? Would I even be thinking this deep into this situation? But I realize that this depends on the individual’s personality.
Sarah
It all stems from how you were raised and how parents interacted with you. Did they let you express yourself, did they coddle you too much, did they tell you it’s not okay to act a certain way depending on your gender? I think all these factors eventually influence the various facets of your personality, whether you’re more or less sensitive. And if you’re more in touch with your emotions you may feel things more deeply which could then cause more pain and overthinking.
Patricia
I agree. Your personality isn’t a certain way because of your gender, but rather, it’s dependent on how you were brought up. Wow, this is all a domino.
Sarah
It is. It’s weird that it all starts when you're a baby, and the way you’re brought up. All this childhood psychology, it affects how you are now.
Patricia
That’s true. Raziah, did you ever wish that you weren’t a woman?
Raziah
I think there were definitely times growing up, where I was like, f**k this womanhood sh*t. But I don't think I would ever want to change that. Because even though it’s been a painful process, it’s taught me so much. And in the context of my family, I’d much rather know how to do more, than be dependent on other people like my brothers are. I kind of see that as a sign of incompetency.
Sarah
Although it can be frustrating when you’re the one that ends up having to do more because you’re the more “competent” one.
Raziah
Do you feel like you reject certain stereotypes of being a woman?
Sarah
One of the biggest stereotypes that women receive is that we are passive and don’t really stand up for ourselves. I don't think I will ever be one of those people that doesn’t speak up for myself. I feel like I have this innate feeling to say something if it’s bothering me or if I don’t think it’s right.
Patricia
I think that’s one thing I would probably continue to do too, although it may seem “too authoritative” for a woman. But in other cases, I can see myself being slightly submissive. In a relationship sometimes I want the guy to lead more, but I find myself naturally leading anyways.
Sarah
We want the best of both worlds. But it'll never fully be balanced in the way we want it to be.
That’s true. Also, these are probably stereotypes, but from my experience, I found that most men are more simple minded and less sensitive than women. At least I’m more sensitive than a lot of my male friends. Sometimes when I think about and analyze something for a while, I wonder, if I was a man, would I even have these thoughts? Would I even be thinking this deep into this situation? But I realize that this depends on the individual’s personality.
Sarah
It all stems from how you were raised and how parents interacted with you. Did they let you express yourself, did they coddle you too much, did they tell you it’s not okay to act a certain way depending on your gender? I think all these factors eventually influence the various facets of your personality, whether you’re more or less sensitive. And if you’re more in touch with your emotions you may feel things more deeply which could then cause more pain and overthinking.
Patricia
I agree. Your personality isn’t a certain way because of your gender, but rather, it’s dependent on how you were brought up. Wow, this is all a domino.
Sarah
It is. It’s weird that it all starts when you're a baby, and the way you’re brought up. All this childhood psychology, it affects how you are now.
Patricia
That’s true. Raziah, did you ever wish that you weren’t a woman?
Raziah
I think there were definitely times growing up, where I was like, f**k this womanhood sh*t. But I don't think I would ever want to change that. Because even though it’s been a painful process, it’s taught me so much. And in the context of my family, I’d much rather know how to do more, than be dependent on other people like my brothers are. I kind of see that as a sign of incompetency.
Sarah
Although it can be frustrating when you’re the one that ends up having to do more because you’re the more “competent” one.
Raziah
Do you feel like you reject certain stereotypes of being a woman?
Sarah
One of the biggest stereotypes that women receive is that we are passive and don’t really stand up for ourselves. I don't think I will ever be one of those people that doesn’t speak up for myself. I feel like I have this innate feeling to say something if it’s bothering me or if I don’t think it’s right.
Patricia
I think that’s one thing I would probably continue to do too, although it may seem “too authoritative” for a woman. But in other cases, I can see myself being slightly submissive. In a relationship sometimes I want the guy to lead more, but I find myself naturally leading anyways.
Sarah
We want the best of both worlds. But it'll never fully be balanced in the way we want it to be.